Splitt

Clone self is what I would like to do atm.

The first would be out for sexytimes and cuddles, Zomg I need that so badly! Why oh why do I have to be soooo picky!? (Going nun) And yea the heart is still on adventures far far away.

The second one would start cleaning and packing all the things that can be packed this early before the move

The third one would be out working and making money

The forth one would be away on adventures with friends, relaxing, drinking coffee/tea etc

The fifth one would be the best mother in this world and enjoy the park =P

The sixth one would be home sleeping

And then some extra for other stuff I would like done haha, would even be nice to get some clones of other people that I like so I can implement you with my self’s and enjoy your company.

There people I would want to have copies of atm.

Alexandra my best friend in this entire world, it’s so boring without you.

And here is mystery persons haha =P *smiles, cuddles, drools, flirts, huggles and possible love*

It’s late and I have taken sleepy pill for sometime ago, this blog might just be very strange due to the enormous stress I feel or just that I’m a bit wasted on this pill in my tummy *shrugs*

Now I will go to my bedroom and dream about lovely times, to wake up with arms wrapped around my waist and a warm breath in my neck, friendly eyes opening and looking in to mine, as I say good morning a smile from a mouth appears mmm *dreams*

*dozes off*

<3

From the Heart

For to long I have waited to hear your voice

For to long I have missed the feeling of your touch
For to long I have let my heart stretch in your direction

The memory of your voice has gone silent
The memory of how I would feel from your touch is bleached

The heart is soon taking a return trip home again filled with nothingness

Smile!

So many ”must do” and actually a lot of time to do em. But! Where do I start?!

I putted Tim (my little monster to son) in queue to a nice school that is the only thing I have done and the only thing I have been able to do since the other persons I’m trying to get hold of do not answer or are constantly busy on there phone lines.

Still need a set time for my self and Tim to move to Stockholm.
Still need to get hold of the social service in Stockholm.
Still need to pack all of our stuff! Oh the junk zomg!
Still need a place for my self and Tim to live in Stockholm.
Still very stressed over the fact that we will most likely need to live with my mother and her horrible man.
Still need to clean here at home, I have started but very much to do.
Still not sure about what to do with my life both in love and future. Everything is so uncertain and I soon need to have a master plan. Anyone have one to spare?

Think it is time to do as my mother always told me to do. It’s time to Smile!

Torn

When the brain and the heart talks totally different languages.

I find my self struggling in the middle of decisions and the only one I can give my self atm is to let time pass and hope for something good to happen soon.Well one good thing is about to happen today.

My very best friend in this world is coming here to se me and nothing can make me more happy then her.

Midsummer Day tomorrow, a time when magic was thought of being strong and flowing. Maybe I should pick a bouquet, place it under my pillow, with 9 different types of flowers, jump over 9 fences (without dying) and hope to dream about my future man *sigh*.

Me and Alex decided that we will not jump around a giant cock (the maypole, phallic symbol) with cute families, I find rather hilarious to be honest… mommies and daddies taking there children to dance around a giant cock that they dress in flowers and ribbons and dance like frogs, what can be more bizarre then that?!

Instead the thought of drinking coffee sitting on the balcony and talk for hours sounded like a better idea.

Though… the thought of dancing around a cock is atm almost turning me on *rofl and blushes* (okey I’m not blushing but we can pretend, right?)

Pat my panic please

After being fucked by the world one might think it’s time for some good things in life.

Sitting here and trying to get hold of social workers to be able to plan my future but it seems like I would have more luck talking to an alien atm.

Trying to get my mother to realise that her brilliant plan of how this will happen and that my move to Stockholm can only be done in one way is like trying to convince a bumblebee that it can’t fly.
In my mothers perfect world it’s just for me to call this “lovely” people and they will have to help me, the reality is not that simple or pwetty, in fact even if they wanted they can’t. They are not allowed to work over in Stockholm from here… it’s not there job. And the people in Stockholm are not allowed to help a person who doesn’t live over there because there time is for people that lives in that area.

My mother registered on a site that provides apartments in Sollentuna (the part of Stockholm she lives in) and a got offered apartment on the spot so she now thinks it’s easy. The thing she doesn’t understand is that she makes about 10* what I do and that is the reason for that haha /cry.

The tragic reality is that I will be needed to move in with her and her Horrible man, then after 1 month I can go to the social service in Sollentuna and ask for there help since then I’m living within there zone for people they need to help.

At this moment what is keeping me from pulling my hair is that I try and think about my life in around 3 months when I most likely have a apartment in Sollentuna, Tim is going to school, I started a job or school my self and I’m drinking coffee with Alexandra late at night and we are talking about everything and nothing for hours and hours.

And a visit from a male figure would not be bad *dreams away*

Adventures of the Muppet

So the 11th I went on a adventure!

After being totally stressed over time, since I always manage to spend more time on doing nothing and everything in a random chaos, we did leave the apartment 30 mins later then intended.

Food needed to be eaten so Nadja, me and Tim went to get a hamburger. We now had around 25 mins to go until check in would close eeep! Down down down with the hamburger and then in to the airport we went. When we enter the airport we se that they changed the check in time so we had lost 10 more mins aaaarrrgh!! Rush to the gate and attack hug little monster and Nadja.

The plane was the most blue plane I ever seen *giggles* the seats were made of plastic and all royal blue! Sneaky Ryanair wanted money for food and drinks so didn’t have that. Managed to put my mp3 player on and sleep the entire way instead.

When I landed (at Liverpool airport) Tim was there to pick me up =) Very very nice of him and made it less scary.
We did take the bus to Manchester and then walked to his home. Very cozy little apartment. Talked a bit then he ordered pizza online, I was very impressed =P

The day after (Thursday) Tim did take a train with me to erm hmmm no clue, but from there I was escorted to the train that was going to take me to Burnley Central where Paul was to pick me up \o/
Paul and I went to a nice café and had coffee and cake! Mmm jummy. After that a man called us from the other side of the street and it was “Jimmy Satan” haha lovely man with stories that could go on for ever and ever. Think my hand got like a zillion kisses ^.^

The house was tiny and cute!

But I did feel a bit like a alien when I did take my shoes off ASAP when I entered the home and started looking around for a place to hang my jacket =P
Paul’s toilet had a fight with me and won! Evil evil it was lol haha I could not flush that one properly it was just ebil! Had to fight it hard to get it to do what I wanted *nods*

We went to se Russell later that evening, a bit drunk but happy (1 drink and weeee), was very nice to se him and get a face to the name =)

On the Friday we walked around Burnley. Paul showed me his favourite tree and it was a very nice one. Then I got to se sheep’s!!! And one of em had lambs, they were so cute, I wanted to huggle and cuddle with em.. but they didn’t want that =(
In the evening we made a lovely dinner with pasta, tomatoes, mozzarella, tuna and pesto *happy tummy*.
Watched a English comedy and giggled and huggled a lot.
Paul’s sofa died a bit when he sat on it haha =P Was a screw that had jumped out and another was missing from before. So we moved the fluffy pillows I was sleeping on to the floor so I could sleep there instead =)

The Saturday morning when I woke up I did flip the sofa over and fixed the screw so Paul wouldn’t have to be a sad panda over broken sofa.
After fixing our selfes pwetty we went in to Manchester to se his lovely friend Rachel and Tim. Ate at a lovely restaurant called livebait that served seafood of different kinds. I had the tiger prawns, Tim had a grilled tuna steak, Paul and Rachel had bream in some nice sauce.
I made my prawns look at Paul true the bowl hahaha little prawn heads staring at him *laugh*

Dinner was more then lovely! Was really perfect.
(link to the restaurant http://www.livebaitmanchester.5pm.co.uk/)

After that we went to 3 different pubs and I got to taste English beer and I have to say I liked it better then Swedish normal beer.

Since I’m very tired atm I’ll just tell you that it was one of the best nights I had in a very long time and I wish you all could have joined us. Much giggles and just mmm.

Cant thank Paul, Tim and Rachel enough for this evening.

Today me and Paul was fiddling with music and the game of “put as many hugs in before I had to go”. Then at 17:00 the man who was taking me to the airport arrived and woooosh away with me again.

The evil custom didn’t allow me to bring my Bacardi breezer coconut with me, because some smartass had tried to blew a plain up with liquids!

Found a new Lovely perfume though and that made me happy. And Vinegar crisps haha!
Off with very very blue plastic plane again and somehow they managed to arrive 40 mins earlier then we were supposed to?! Nice nice.

Now it’s time for bath then sleep. I’m so very tired atm so this explanation about my trip might be a bit messy but at least I did try =)*warm and nice hugs to all my cute friends* I do love you all so much <3

And I really cant thank Paul enough for this lovely days in England, I been treated so nicely and it was so rellaxing and just perfect.

And the girl goes

Left, right, up, down and in circles. Starting to have some trouble with my nerves atm :P Yesterday I did colour my hair and it is now a very dark almost black red/purple tone, it’s rather nice, but would have wanted it a bit more bright. Can’t have it all right?Soon Nadja will cut my hair and after that I will take a loooong bath that includes shaving legs and scrubbing my self so I smell great when I leave for England.
Was down at the Police today and got my new passport, I do look a bit odd on it but it wasn’t as bad as I thought.
When I got home I checked in on the plane, very odd in my world that you don’t have a ticket in your hand and do that on the airport but there is a first for everything, so the trip is now fixed.

Everything is nicely folded on my bed atm so it’s only me that needs to be fixed left and it’s so many hours to take-off… would like the time to go faster now to be honest, because I’m starting to get restless haha. Normally I just stress the entire day and it ends with me doing nothing so when it’s time to go go go I fix everything in the last minute. Not used to be finished this early!I started a eating diary and I’m doing better then I thought I would do and that makes me feel very good =) Managed to eat 4 times everyday this week (including Sunday) instead of my normal 1-0 times, or well I did put chips up on my list yesterday because at 23:40 I found my little notebook and saw that I missed to eat around 22 isch haha so some chips had to do =P It’s potato so should count as food *nods**Puts a cold baby-carrot up your noses and giggles*

/love <3

Logic of people with no hearts

The logic of people are just exceptional. I have seen this so many times and I’m sure its not the last time.

I let someone get close to me and they are happy to be loved by me, as a friend/lover or what ever, I shower them with love since that is how I am. Make them feel good is the best feeling for me.
Then a day comes when they se a spot of green grass on the other side of the fence, and the love I have spoiled them with have become something they take for granted its not special anymore, and on this grass there is a treat and this treat look so sweet!
They know that if they pass this fence to taste that sweet they will risk losing me, but pfft who cares right?!Jumping over the fence and the sweet was OH so good, exiting and mmm yummy, but it was nothing else then a sweet flavour and once that flavour is gone from there mouths they start to wakeup and now they need to go back to the normal life. You dont need to tell me what you just did, its nothing thats going to last infact it´s allredy gone, it was just a yummy taste.

Then when they return to me expect to get treated just like before...
But something is different, I found out what they have done and I’m heartbroken, the love they normaly get from me is gone and now they are facing me with tears falling from my eyes, the love I normally give is gone and replaced with a frosty distance and a face that makes your tummy twist.Why do people not se a warm and loving heart that beats for them and start to take that warm feeling for granted.

I’m always there right? Forgiving, loving, caring and always to be trusted when you feel bad I will go to my limits to make you smile again.

The thing is that I’m getting really tired of this!WHEN are people going to appreciate to be loved?! Is it so horrible…

Made of rubber?!

After being hurt several times one can become cold, a ice queen. But to be honest you can crush ice, and if you warm it up it will melt quick as hell.I just came to the conclusion that if I would be anything it would be a queen of rubber, hit me and I stand untouched and unscarred just like before with a smile on my face, toss me out as I was worth nothing and I will bounce back on my two feet. So give me a heart of rubber that pushes feelings away it doesn’t want to have!

On another note i have new shoes! Last time that happend was erm 2 years ago *giggles*Trying to make planes for my trip to England as well =) Keeping all my fingers I have plus a few borrowed on that my new passport will arrive before takeoff. If not I will have to play with superglue and hope they don't notice =P tralalalala!

*bites my friends noses*

A call from a brother

I curse my self today for being up so late last night/morning, I’m so tired my eyes are going in cross!Still thinking of one of the things my brother said that I can’t really get out of my head. We had the huge “Life” discussion about why our life’s seems so empty compared to others (that being the feeling we have of our own life’s not necessary the way a outsider of our brains would se it)?.

And with that question and late nightly blurry heads thinking he might just have gave me the answer to some of the question around my life I had... was very nice =)I just found something I really want to do with my life, it’s a unsure card and it wont make me rich and famous, not that I ever wanted to be famous, erm rich I wouldn’t complain about *giggles*, but I do think that it has the potential to make me very happy in life. And no I won’t tell you what it is because if I do it becomes a pressure for me to try and make it happen Now. And I need to think this over and talk with a few friends and se if I can get this to maybe become real \o/

Found a very cute thing this morning and I just had to send it to a person that I hold close to my heart, internetz ftw hehe

It is time for me to hit the showers. Because today it is really Wednesday and I do have appointments to take care of.Another lovely day of blue skies with no clouds is here today in Sweden and Mmmmm just so lovely! And I have money so I will take Nadja to eat ice cream at the harbour… Rawrs!!! *does happy dance*

It’s summer.. Smile babes smile, you know your much cutier when you smile! =)

**Edit 15:00 isch

The police did take a Horrible picture of me, I wasn't allowed to smile or do any faces, I look so angry and arrrrgh *goes pirate*. It´s for my new passport, didn´t do anything stupid like tossing a small child in to the water or something like that nope, But darn that had been soooo fun!!


*Long huggles* to you my friends <3

Nightly thoughts

It’s late night and I am still awake sitting here at home listening to Gregorian and dreaming my self away. In August they will play in Germany and I will do my best to save up for a trip there, just need to find a friendly soul to crash at preferably with a car available so I can force he/she it to drive me from airport and stuff hehe =P
Peter said that if I didn’t find anyone else he would like to join me to Germany and that would be awesome then I don’t need to go there all alone weeee \o/ *huge happy smile*

The flight there is almost free and the ticket to the concert wasn’t to expensive, around 50 euros, so if I save up around 1500 Swedish I should be able to afford it (need to find a way to make golden lumps fall out of my ass), always money involved.. Anyone has a sugar daddy to spare?

The date for me travelling to England is closing in and I’m very exited! Tomorrow I will go to the police station to se if my passport is okey to travel with, it’s a bit broken so I’m scared that it might not be travel worthy eeep! Then I will have to flirt with the police and se if I can get a new one ASAP!! Tried to make my brother FedEx me to Australia, it didn’t work *rofl*, something about non human package and if I go as animal there was a thing called quarantine and stupid stuff bah! The world is working against me here ;)
Haven’t managed to win the lottery or found a random large sum of money laying on the streets either!
Soon time for this girl to go to sleepy land. Have a date with my shrink tomorrow. But I’m not sleepy, might have to do with my nap I did take earlier today haha trallalala!

*Lots of kisses*

*edit: its NOT wednesday today, Confusing morning! My bank note said that i will get money the 4th and in my head it was the 4th today and I had lots to do.. that wasnt the case. Morning coffe is tasty though =P

The summer is here again

And I love it! The sun warms my heart and i feel lighter then before.

With the summer comes the parents, and they are scary. Now I’m not talking about my parents but children’s parents the "Perfect family" picture is taken out in to the world.
On the green grass in the middle of our yard there are now blankets with ugly colours, coffee cups and freshly baked cookies. I can get along with the cookies and the coffee but not the things attached to them, they have Huge smiles and they talk with cute voices about how lovely everything is and they tell one another how tasty there freshly baked stuff is and "oooh I want the recipe!"
And about the car trouble they have and "my man might be able to help you with that you know his father bla bla bla"...

I don’t live a exiting life but omg if I become like that can you kill me please?! But every time I se this kind of things i start to wonder, how good is there lives? I want to se what’s behind that Huge smile of yours.

A few summers i tried to socialize with this "perfect creatures", it didn’t go so well and i was not that welcomed in to there circle of happiness after a Looovely day in the sun... Ill explain it haha:
"The swings in the park is once again full of life
The sand under your feet
The smell of grass, grassy stains on your pants
And the sound of children laughing.

Socially maladjusted mommies with children that has angel wings.
A mother who thinks her child is allergic to getting sand inside of her clothes gets her coffee spiced with sand from Tim, I can’t help to smile as i sit there on the grass.
She is sitting there on a bench holding her daughter tightly in her lap, wonder if she is afraid that her little angel to daughter is able to have a good time without her?

The woman has hardly any sex life, she is grey and the highlight of the day is now, as she is walking towards me to tell me about that MY child did toss sand in to her disgusting coffee, that she probably got on sale from the cheap marketplace called Willys last time they were off having there family weekend shopping spree. Then later tonight she will enrich her husband’s life with telling him about the Monster child she came across in the park today and how horrible it was for her to go home and wash her ugly coffee cup from early 80s.

Tim gets bitten in the arm by her daughter, he pulls her in the hair as revenge. I get explained to my self by this lovely mother above that her child’s hair is Holy *rofl* and that her daughter Did tell Tim to stop several times (with what i have no idea about, I didn’t hear anything and i was just next to them *shrug*).. She looks at me with a condescending expression as she is awaiting my apologies or something.

I tell Tim (in a slightly higher voice then normal allowing miss grey to hear every word) that we better go home now since we obviously are disturbing this old spinster in on her shiny day. I smile at her and say to my self (in a rather high voice allowing her to hear even this) "Aww she just needs some sex and then she will become human as well".. and I walk away.
That I’m the devil is now very obvious hahaha! And ppl wonder why i hate to go to the park.."


So what I’m doing is spending my day outside on the balcony letting the sunshine caress my body and soul while reading a book and my mp3 player sends tunes in to my ears, to walk in the little forest of ours when the flowers are growing everywhere and the birds are singing *happiness*.


The summer is made for love