Mixed

In a blender. Round and round it goes. Up and down all the time.

Somedays I feel fine, even Happy. Mostly I feel like Shit, but tries anyways.

Get to sleep and manage to work a day then find my self not sleeping more then a few mins here and there the next, drained of energy to do anything.

Someone really close to me is slipping away... I miss you and this breaks my heart and makes me feel lonly.

Happy heart, sad body and a brain that sais maybe. At nights I sometimes gets to dream nice things, then the nightmares return.

Next week I will fix things...

I need to sleep to not look like I'm using drugs on my new passport.
I need to cut and colour my hair so I dont look like crap.

I need to go and get a nice material to make a dress for the wedding I'm going to in August.

I need to call and see WTF is going on with Tims school situation because it's now in the middle of July, school starts in less then a month and he doesnt have one yet... since the school he went to say they cant take him.

There is alot of other needs I have but they are inside of me and I dont want to share them with you...

I need You!

I Love You

So very few ppl are allowed close to my heart at this point in my life.

I keep you like my treasures and I love you to death, so it really breaks my heart when I find you slipping away from me.

It happens everytime so I should not be supriced and it should not hurt this much, I should be used to it by now?
When you find a new love I fall in to the zone of non existing. But now you know I'm in a very bad state of mind and still you do the same with forgetting me.
Ofc you can make other plannes, ofc you might change your mind and want to se me another day but is it to much to ask that you actually call me and tell me that the plannes were changed, or atleast send a text to my phone or skype =(
Your my nr 1 person in this world <3 your a part of my foundation and the only one I'm happy to call my famely (even though your really not by blood).

Ah well I guess it's only to wait it out... I want you to be happy and I am happy that you found someone that makes you feel really good.
That seems to treat you the way that you deserve, because you deserve the best and nothing els!

It's really good that I allso have someone that makes me smile and tells me that I'm not allowed to be sad.
Makes me forget the pain inside and keeps my brain filled with nice thoughts =)

I will go to England in August =D I have been promised to be well taken cared of but I'm still scared and nervous and it will only get worse the closer it gets ^.^

Okey so now I need to eat ... I havent done that today yet. Havent sleept today eighter more then a few mins at the time from around 6 this morning to now...

The final words of my update on this blog that I really forget from time to time is ...

I miss you but I'm happy that you found love, I just wish I could be there to share it with you a little <3
I love you for getting me to smile, putting nice thoughts in my head and keeping me company <3

<3<3

I miss you!

Your slipping true my fingers and I find my self feeling more and more on my own without any love around me.

The sun is shining but in my heart a cold wind is blowing, I need you and I dont want to loose you =(
Spend my days outside to try and distance my self from all of my thoughts, but it's hard and it doesnt get better with time ... my mind still wander off your way and the tears soon fall again.
I love you I really do. Do not think you know how much or care for that matter.
Soon it will be time to let you go if we can not change this around ... it's not good for me that you do not show me attention anymore, love, time ... I need that!

Time to recharge my self again ... out in the sun with me and put the radio on and try and make my thoughts drown in the words of good wrighters.

<3

Happysaur

It is the middle of the autumn I find my self sitting here smiling to my self. Not something I normally do this time of year, normally I would be laying under my quilt with a sad face and depression hanging over me like a dark cloud.
Like I wrote last time here in my blog I was then scared of this dark months of the year and I was wondering how I would get passed without someone at my side *smiles*

But…. Haha *looks silly and blushes* Someone is at my side, Someone very kind and just mmmm . I haven’t been treated good for a long time and I almost had lost hope of finding love again… and here I find my self missing you and the way you make me feel.

I got a text on my phone this morning that made me put on a goofy smile for the rest of the day ^.^ and when you called me just to tell me that you really like me a lot = OMG I cant remember anyone doing that to me (except maybe Alexandra).

Had a lovely weekend where I was spoiled with attention and I can only say that I miss you to.

Slowly

My life is atm a organised chaos.

Think I’m finding my way back with baby steppes. Slowly working towards the goal of a happier life for me and my son.

Seeing a zillion ppl that want to “Help”, if I wanted there help I would ask for it. It feels like they are just there to try and push me down again… But I put on that smile they want and I do what they expect from me and hope it will soon be over so I can start to live MY life without there “help” or presence.

The autumn is here with it’s bright colours, lovely as they are I fear the winter and the darkness it brings closing in a bit to fast… I hope I manage to get my self in some shape before it’s here. With non to give love to and get hugs from, in the dark and the cold, I need to be stronger.

Why on Earth is it so hard to find someone to love?! Is it me or my ghosts in the closet that is making this so hard…

Need someone to warm up my behind when winter arrives *lol* some of you know how Cold it gets.. it’s not good. Maybe just get another cat?

Other news that are not this gibberish above are that my move to a own place here in Stockholm is closing in.Six weeks from now I’ll get the keys to a 3 room flat *happy dance*.

My wallet is crying since I seem to find stuffz for it Everywhere haha ^.^ but It’s important for me that our new home will be nice and cozy.
Yesterday me and Tim went to Kista and the Indiska store, fixed curtains for the kitchen \o/.
Now we have every important thing except a sofa =)

Going to lay down in my bed now and read a book, with the autumn my passion for reading has kicked in again and I find my self reading my mothers books one after one… I miss my books, soon soon soooooooon I can lay my hands on them again, and you will all se less of me =P

*huggles my friends close and enjoy your body heat* <3

So here we are

My home is now moved.

Me and Tim lives in Stockholm in a rather large house, atm by our selves since my mother and her man is away for some weeks \o/
Friday started with me and my mom packing as much as we could. Saturday I had the laundry room from 8 in the morning to the morning after, when not doing laundry we were packing and organising more boxes.
On the Sunday my brother arrived at around 11 something and we started moving all the stuff in to a HUGE truck, everything fitted in it and woooosh away to Stockholm we went.
The truck did not have AC and it was 32 degrees in the shade = Fucking hot in the sun!
At 13 something we arrived at my moms home and the unloading went really smooth =)

Since I came here I have spent most of my time in the sun on the balcony relaxing.
Night time we had bbq and again relaxing =P

Atm I’m on my way soon to se my very best friend, then we will go to one of the large shopping centres that are close by and get our self’s a nice wine to drink this evening and something to eat, all I can think is Gief more bbq stuffs =P

Last night I had the most wonderful dream *purrs*
Your bluegreen eyes (that looks like a tropical water sparkling in the sun) looking in to mine, your smile and your muscular body with that sweet tan of yours in my hands. Loving hugs, honest smiles, tender kisses and our eyes just looking to one anothers.. it was just Cute and lovely.
Must be like soon 12 years something since I saw you and we never had anything going on and never will have but tonight you repaired a part of my soul with your presence. For some hours, even though it was only a dream and something that will never happen, I felt liked and possible loved by a nice person.
Your name is Nicolas and I don’t even know where you live anymore, it doesn’t matter really ^.^ your kiiiind of old now haha ;)
I will keep you as I remember you from when you were around 25 isch and I was just a tiny little girl,

Some day in the future I will stop playing the game of pain and hopefully find a man that likes me and treats me right.
I’m sick and tired of all the fucktards out here in this world that only care about them self’s and non els.
People say it’s there loss.. but it sure doesn’t feel that way when you get let down every single time!? Why does people have such a hard time loving others then them self?

The land of sheep’s

Been away for five days in England, between the 16-21th july. Started our trip here from Nyköping Wednesday evening, went with the very very blue plane again from Skavsta airport to Liverpool, when we landed in Liverpool Tim was there to se us at the airport and guild us to Manchester =)
He fixed a lovely dinner and I got to taste strawberry beer and to my surprise it was very tasty so tasty that I will se if its possible to order it to Sweden hehe, not that I drink often but if I do it must be something I really like.

The day after we went in to central Manchester and had lunch and some drinks with Sarah and Jasper, very nice to se the crazy persons irl ^.^ *loves*

After a nice meal we went to the train station to try and find a Fredric that was arriving from Holland, fast hugs with Sarah and Jasper before we had to jump on a train and begin our trip to Wales were we were to spend the next days in Tims house.

Several hours later and me sleeping in strange positions we arrived at Wales and what was the first thing you se? SHEEP'S!!!! Everywhere sheeps, fluffy cute monsters! (Yes yes I know we have sheep's in Sweden buuuuut they were just so many and so cute and so close)
So the 4 of us started walking to Tims house, we saw it from the train station up on a little hill.. that Little hill on the other hand was the evilz, almost killed me it did *nods* god I’m so happy I will start to workout soon.
The house was so pretty and cute! After sometime the other 4 persons arrived, Chris, Sarah (another Sarah aka Mirrain), Andrew and “Sapkira” (cant remember your name atm since my brain went to bed some hours ago).

The 8 of us spended our days with relaxing, eating Really good food, drinking, playing Munchkin Cthulhu, giggeling a lot, scaring the locals, spending way to much money in the little store on cakes and random good stuff.
We did some walking outside aswell hehe =P
I on the otherhand was laying in bed when the major trip was taken with huge tummy pains, that sucked major balls! But I was friendly with the bathtub and the bed for some hours instead while they were torturing there bodies haha.

Could have stayed there forever and ever it was really so nice and just perfect in everyway.

Hope this is something we will do again ^.^

Oooooh and when we arrived back in Manchester I got to se my favourite Paul also, this made the trip even more perfect!

He had some Salt and Vinegar crisps for me haha =) we don’t have that flavour in Sweden and it sucks because it’s the best *nods*
A movie for little Tim aaaand a CD for me that I had forgot, made me very very very happy!

But mostly to get a hug (or several haha) was the best part *huge huggles*

<3